Therapist-Client Boundaries: Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Friend
Clients often say to me, “I wish we could just hang out. We would totally be best friends”. And the truth is…I usually feel the same way. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that clients are drawn to a therapist they vibe with and I also think it makes perfect sense that a certain type of therapist attracts a certain kind of client.
When you have the kind of therapeutic relationship that feels so genuine and authentic and comfortable, you have struck gold.
When both a client and a therapist feel that if they’d met under different circumstances they would be besties means that they are a fantastic fit to do the work of therapy. But here’s the catch: we can’t be friends, and there’s a really good reason for that. Read on to learn all about therapist-client boundaries and why your therapist can’t be your friend.
Therapist-client boundaries are FOR the client.
Therapy is about the client. Yes it’s a relationship of two people, but the focus is on the client. Always. It may sometimes feel like you’re just “chatting,” but there’s lots going on behind the scenes from the therapist's chair. We are listening to not only what you say but what you don’t or can’t say, reading between the lines, listening for the subtext, watching your body language and non-verbal behaviors-we are paying attention to so much and it is all about you. That is not the same as a friendship.
A friendship has more give and take-like a see saw. In a friendship you take turns being the one in need and the one who is supporting.
In therapy the see-saw stays in a fixed position-the therapist is always going to be the one supporting. Which is how it should be. Let’s say that you became friends with your therapist…you will likely see someone who’s different from the person you have experienced as a therapist. Because in the therapist role, she is laser focused on you. In a friendship you would see her quirks, her ups and downs, be privy to the stress in her life - all the stuff that never really enters the therapy room. And that would very much change the dynamic of the relationship.
Maintaining therapist-client boundaries is essential for effective work.
I have had clients tell me they are in awe of my ability to model effective and direct communication. One client remarked that my husband must feel so lucky to be married to someone as awesome as me. So YES, I agree with that of course, but if you asked my husband he’d probably say I can be pretty bossy and headstrong and rigid. Ok he’d definitely say those things. But my client is seeing me in a professional capacity, not a personal one. And her view of me would be affected if we were hanging out outside of our sessions. And it would adversely affect our work. Because the focus needs to remain on my client. Maintaining that boundary is an essential ingredient in the therapy secret sauce.
So as much as we like you and kinda wish we could hang out, please know that we are holding this sacred space for you-a space for you to be fully yourself, whatever that may be and however messy that might look. We hold that space without judgment and with deep caring and compassion. We will hold hope for you when you can’t hold it for yourself and we will see possibilities in your future that you haven’t yet begun to envision.
Therapist-client boundaries help facilitate an important relationship. That’s why your therapist can’t be your friend.
The therapeutic relationship is not a friendship, but it is one of the most unique and transformational relationships you might ever have. And it deserves to be treated with the utmost care and consideration. So we can do kick ass work, we can laugh and have fun in the process, but we can’t be friends.
Ready to Work with a Therapist who Gets You?
Therapy offers a unique-for-you path to personal growth and self-understanding. If you're considering taking this step but don't know where to start, shoot me a message. I am a therapist for people living in New York (afctherapy@gmail.com) and I do coaching for clients regardless of location (alyse@coachingwithalyse.com).
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XO,
Alyse
