Why go to therapy when you can just vent to a friend?
Oh, the number of times I have heard this, and I absolutely need to explain why just venting to friends is so very different than professional therapy.
The Key Differences Between Therapy and Friends
1. Professional Objectivity vs. Natural Bias
Friends are inherently biased. They share a history with you and exist within the context of your relationship. It isn’t objective, and it isn’t without bias. If your friend tells you a story about someone who wronged her, your natural reaction is often immediate outrage on her behalf, right? “How dare someone treat my bestie like that? What an asshole.”
While this support feels good, it may not help you, or your friend, grow or understand the situation fully. It may be difficult or uncomfortable for you to gently probe to gather more information and what role, if any, your friend may have played in it.
A therapist, on the other hand, brings professional objectivity to your situations. We're not just a "paid friend." We're trained professionals with a shit ton of experience in helping clients see beyond their immediate emotions.
2. Deep Listening vs. Casual Conversation
While there is a good amount of venting that happens in therapy, there is also lots of listening going on by the therapist, the kind of listening that isn’t necessarily obvious.
As therapists, we’re trained to:
Listen to what’s not being said
Spot unconscious patterns
Point out subtleties and inconsistencies
Read between the lines of your narrative
As a therapist, I want you to begin to see your patterns and your role in all of your relationships, and I will point them out and call you out when appropriate—something many friends would find uncomfortable, if not impossible, to do.
This specialized listening helps uncover patterns you might be too close to recognize yourself. As my colleague Monica wisely puts it, "You can't read the label when you're inside the bottle."
Why Choose Therapy Over Just Talking to Friends
Deeper Insight and Growth
In therapy, we help you:
Recognize your behavioral patterns
Understand your role in relationships
Face uncomfortable truths when necessary
Develop deeper self-awareness
Your therapist will call you out when needed, and while some friends might be able to do this, they’re not able to go to the same depths as a professional therapist in helping you understand your own patterns on a deep level to allow for growth.
The Professional Boundary
If you just love your therapist and think she’s so awesome that you’d love to hang out with her, that’s great! That usually means it’s a good fit. Some of my best work is done with clients that I would be friends with if I had met them under different circumstances (for more context, check out this blog on whether your therapist likes you!).
But my clients and I are not friends. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care immensely about them and root for them and want all good things for them...but we are not friends. Maintaining professional boundaries is crucial for effective therapy. This separation, though caring, allows for more objective, growth-focused work.
Ready to Move Beyond Venting?
While venting to friends serves its purpose and can be helpful, working with a therapist is an entirely different things. Therapy offers a unique-for-you path to personal growth and self-understanding. If you're considering taking this step but don't know where to start, shoot me a message. I am a therapist for people living in New York (afctherapy@gmail.com) and I do coaching for clients regardless of location (alyse@coachingwithalyse.com).
If you’re not so sure about trying therapy or coaching at the moment, you’re still invited to hang out and take advantage of my free resources.
First, sign up for my newsletter where I talk everything therapy. There’s awesome stuff there and you’ll get to read every blog I release and you’ll know about every new service I offer for both coaching and therapy. It’s kinda like getting the inside scoop before anyone else (well, a little like that but you know what I mean).
xo
Alyse
